Sunday, December 31, 2006

Away...Far Away

Long hiatus from the world of blogging, from the world of everyone and everything.I cannot not explain completely why so, but i can maybe try to tell you the series of events which led to this state of mind and body.

First it began with the fevers last month.Unbearable the were.. but accepted and suffered too easily as in everything else in my life.Met a doctor...after a week of antibiotics the fevers still were killing me.He wanted a blood test and guess what, I HAD TYPHOID(!)Now i dont need to attend classes, YIPPPEEEE!>.Rapid change from democracy to military rule took place as i left hostel and reached home...soon put under INDEFINITE HOUSE ARREST.I began once again to live at home.ALONE.

Slowly a feeling of frustration grew inside me that i could not explain(as a result of being COOPED up i guess).Along with this feeling came feelings of helplessness, Unhappiness,Letahrgy.For the first time in world history (the one i know) a man can safely say I felt like a woman in the state of menopause.

I paid no attention to my friends ( i couldn't find a point).I slowly started loving the loneliness.I even started craving for more of it.Inside I was HURT.It pained...i was suffering but had already started to enjoy the pain.I loved to put myself to the hurt.I lost all grip over my emotions.

I tried my level best to make amends, but i was unsuccessful.I tried messaging friends, but i couldn't.My mind was a violent storm,My heart was heavy.

I withdrew myself into a coccoon.I started to watch a lot of TV, especially news channels and all i saw were people who were being terrorized by armies... people fighting wars but not knowing for what.Leaders fasting for personal ends.Kids being raped.

At certain level their suffering made me feel like we were partners in this world.Partners all fighting for what we believed in,but definetely sure that we were going to lose this final battle.

One day Saad Bhaiyya called me... REVEALATION CALLING as i will remember the call.We were just talking casually.I was trying my level best to not let him know my condition because I know he is going uphill without any legs.Then he asked me the one Question that gave me a lot of answers "Mishal, do u realize that we are going to be spending our first eid alone and away from parents and family??"

This one question answered a lot of my questions about the state of mind...I realized that i was neglecting others and avoiding them because of the fact that i am going to be lonely...

But even then i did nothing to change anything... and then...

Day before yesterday i came home late and switched on TV.


The next day early morning i see the news that he is already hung...and that too when parts of the world is celebrating EID.And in the afternoon i see the videos...

He was not a great man.He was PURE EVIL.He killed a lot of innocent people.But no man whatever crime he does deserves a public humiliation of being executed on TV.The whole world watched him die...and that too without a fair trial... I don't symapthize with him.Never will I.

But i sympathize with this world...the state of this world.This spineless, inhumane world.

Seeing the videos drained me out... i needed to vent my frustraion out in this world...and that led me to start blogging once again.Atleast one voice can be heard.

Sorry for neglecting you guys... really feeling like a bum...


When i look into your eyes
There is nothing left to see.
Nothing but my
own mistakes
Staring back at me.
- Pushing me away,LINKIN PARK

P4P - Prayin for PeAcE


JB signin off...