Away...Far Away

Long hiatus from the world of blogging, from the world of everyone and everything.I cannot not explain completely why so, but i can maybe try to tell you the series of events which led to this state of mind and body.

First it began with the fevers last month.Unbearable the were.. but accepted and suffered too easily as in everything else in my life.Met a doctor...after a week of antibiotics the fevers still were killing me.He wanted a blood test and guess what, I HAD TYPHOID(!)Now i dont need to attend classes, YIPPPEEEE!>.Rapid change from democracy to military rule took place as i left hostel and reached home...soon put under INDEFINITE HOUSE ARREST.I began once again to live at home.ALONE.

Slowly a feeling of frustration grew inside me that i could not explain(as a result of being COOPED up i guess).Along with this feeling came feelings of helplessness, Unhappiness,Letahrgy.For the first time in world history (the one i know) a man can safely say I felt like a woman in the state of menopause.

I paid no attention to my friends ( i couldn't find a point).I slowly started loving the loneliness.I even started craving for more of it.Inside I was HURT.It pained...i was suffering but had already started to enjoy the pain.I loved to put myself to the hurt.I lost all grip over my emotions.

I tried my level best to make amends, but i was unsuccessful.I tried messaging friends, but i couldn't.My mind was a violent storm,My heart was heavy.

I withdrew myself into a coccoon.I started to watch a lot of TV, especially news channels and all i saw were people who were being terrorized by armies... people fighting wars but not knowing for what.Leaders fasting for personal ends.Kids being raped.

At certain level their suffering made me feel like we were partners in this world.Partners all fighting for what we believed in,but definetely sure that we were going to lose this final battle.

One day Saad Bhaiyya called me... REVEALATION CALLING as i will remember the call.We were just talking casually.I was trying my level best to not let him know my condition because I know he is going uphill without any legs.Then he asked me the one Question that gave me a lot of answers "Mishal, do u realize that we are going to be spending our first eid alone and away from parents and family??"

This one question answered a lot of my questions about the state of mind...I realized that i was neglecting others and avoiding them because of the fact that i am going to be lonely...

But even then i did nothing to change anything... and then...

Day before yesterday i came home late and switched on TV.

FLASH NEWS::SADDAM TO BE HUNG IN A FEW HOURS says sources.

The next day early morning i see the news that he is already hung...and that too when parts of the world is celebrating EID.And in the afternoon i see the videos...

He was not a great man.He was PURE EVIL.He killed a lot of innocent people.But no man whatever crime he does deserves a public humiliation of being executed on TV.The whole world watched him die...and that too without a fair trial... I don't symapthize with him.Never will I.

But i sympathize with this world...the state of this world.This spineless, inhumane world.

Seeing the videos drained me out... i needed to vent my frustraion out in this world...and that led me to start blogging once again.Atleast one voice can be heard.

Sorry for neglecting you guys... really feeling like a bum...

MERRY CHRISTMAS, EID MUBARAK and A HAPPY NEW YEAR.

When i look into your eyes
There is nothing left to see.
Nothing but my
own mistakes
Staring back at me.
- Pushing me away,LINKIN PARK

P4P - Prayin for PeAcE

MeE

JB signin off...

You left me

It is you who taught me about yourself
It is you who made me stand all by myself
It is you who prepared me for the test
You nurtured me to leave my nest

But why are you not with me
Why can't I see?
Where did you go ?
You left me so low
The Climb is too steep
The fall too deep.

You left me alone
I can't be on my own
I keep stumbling
Into pits i keep falling
Too dark,too lonely...

Dear life, why did u leave me now?


Came up with this poem last sunday... Life can be many things... a person... poeple... life itself...
Life here is what you cherish the most...


JB signin off...
MeE

New Horizons...

To Whoever reads this blog... whoever wants to read this blog... Saad(Me 'N Ma Lone Soul) and I have officially started a new blog @ blogspot itself... its gonna be a combo work... So if u have the time please check out the amazing writing skills of Saad... and ahem... MeE (!) @

http://smokedsouls.blogspot.com

A blog with no particular motto in mind...no aim...mostly chronicling the "lostness" of our souls...
So once again Check it out...

Thas all From MeE
Gotta work and write something to match what the Lone Soul has come up wid... (competition?!)...

JB signin off...
MeE

ReSurgEncE of ExiStEncE - Living In PAST TENSE

I like to walk in the rain so that i can Hide my Tears - Charlie Chaplin

Saddest words i have heard and ironically from the funniest man ever.
Behind every smile...every laughter lies an ocean of tears.

More than 10 days since i am back in this world... i have switched myself, my personality, my thoughts to the world i am in right now.I wish i could do the same thing with my soul...my memories... my feelings.Alas i can't.

I have once again sopped living completely...started existing once again - Resurgence of existence.

Some days i wish i were raining as Charlie Chaplin said... those days i could show my pain, my hurt, my dissappointments out to the world in such a way that i would be able to bear all this just a little bit more, in such a way that no one sees me letting all out...

Only thing that paradoxically makes all this bearable is the memories... the same memories that makes it all unbearable... i guess my life is the KING of all Paradoxes..."Memories - The Necessary Evil"

I guess my rain is the net... the place where everyone knows i am crying...but no one can see it...u can hear the sniffles but i'm hiding under the covers ...

I just feel so helpless at times... i feel like i am here without a purpose... i don't know what my purpose is...other times i am fucked up and frustrated...one partof me just dies for freedom and fun (read : back in dubai wid homz) and the other part of me demands for discipline and achieving dreams bullshit!

What happens at some point if you stop believing in yourself, Your own dreams which you interpreted from the stars, you stop caring about the trust and hopes your parents have in you??What if you don't fucking care?Where are all these answers??

Sometimes i feel that i am losing hope in God...Give me strength Lord

As Eminem said in 8 mile "At some point in life, you gotta stop living up there and start living down here"

So many questions that cannot be answered...

The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is at all
comprehensible - Albert Einstein

Back to the shithole again... five months...and i sincerely hope that these five months like piss (Rashid said the piss part)...I miss all of you guys really bad...i miss living... it sure was fun to live for sometime...

On a better note...Mee and Saad have plans for starting a new blog on blogspot...address to be out soon...let the bhaiyya start his bloggin... letting him do the opening ceremony...hopefully sometime next week...

Sorry for killling you with my bickering and bitching...just that i needed to let out some steam...

It is possible to cross oceans without wetting your feet, but it is impossible
to pass through the journey of life without wetting your eyes.

MeE
JB signin off...

Adieu...

10 days have passed since I came... I'm going back tomorrow.

Writing that one line took me about 15mins... 15 whole minutes just because I had to accept it before I even wrote it down... It seems so hard to accept the simplest of things in life I sometimes feel...

But these ten days have been amazing… so much amazing that I don’t remember how it even got over…I owe it to this beautiful city...and I owe it to the buggers who I call “FRIENDS” who makes up for the beauty in the city…

Back to Majra, Jabal al Noor, Paan Gally (both Karama and Bur Dubai),the creek (at least parts of it), Abra (maybe not with the people I end up normally there), Saad’s place (but this time with his folks around), Rashid’s place, City Center (a special mention of Cinestar)…

But I don’t know, these days feel like a single moment… everything seems to have happened in a blink of an eye…they feel so much like this that sometimes I pray to god that I am not dreaming…

I thought while coming here that I am going to go back really cool because I have done this once…but I realized that it is not easy…

How I realized before is the day Saad left…I did not go to the airport this time… but we went for lunch at his place…and I decided to leave earlier than planned (about ½ an hour earlier) and while saying bye to him I felt how heavy his heart was…it was back to square one…back to April… memories that were like deep wounds bled again…

Walking back… me and Rashid did not look at each other… both hastily wiping a tear away thinking that both of us can’t see each other...

Every stage of my life has a song attached to it…these days I spent here has one song Bas Ek Pal from the movie Bas Ek Pal…the line Tu Ek baar jo Pyaar se Mujhko choo le tho har zakhm bar jayega seems so fitting… I came to this city and then all my pain all my hurt that have been inside me for a long time were all gone within a second…now I feel that Dubai has a spirit (ok.. I think I must be sleepy/drunk)

What makes this city different from any place? Two things…one is the friends around here…another is the feeling of Apnapan…

I came, I saw, I conquered said Alexander the Great (if not him then Jay-Z) once…and I wish I could be like him… for me it would be like I came, I saw, I got Conquered…

Thank you friends for making this an amazing stay…thank you for staying beyond curfew for watching a movie…thank you for lying at home about your college timings (now you got to hatch eggs in college for 2 hrs almost everyday this whole sem!)…thank you for staying on the phone with me even though you had loads of work to do the next morning…thank you for driving around and getting lost (and yeah the petrol!)…thank you for crossing Garhoud Bridge wearing high heels…

I am going to miss u a lot…I am going to miss you all a lot…feeling too overwhelmed…

Wrote some crap…said thank yous like I won an Oscar…claimed that Dubai has a spirit…

I end this blog with a message sent to me by Saad before he left…

Keep the smile ,leave the tear
Think of Joy, forget the fear
Hold the laugh, leave the pain
Be joyous till we meet again.

JB signing off…
MeE

Together we lived!

Realization happens slowly (at an atomic scale mostly) in my life.... sadly...
I love my folks... especially my little brother... and mostly love my dad n mom all the time (especially when im not with them) but i cannot stand these two people for more than a week at a stretch...

I guess its the same with them.They were all lovey-dovey from the day that i am here but the "loviness" and "doviness" seems to be evaporating as days go by... i guess its the freaking heat...

At times i end up wishing "God, why cant i live in a hostel with my homies in Dubai (preferably in the palm right beside those casinos comin up)??"

But then i realize - you can't bake the cake and eat it as well... either you are too poor to eat it or maybe your folks bought some frnds over.. or you might be just too fat to be eating the cake.Anyways you wont get to eat the cake and if none of these the cake you baked sucks way too beyond eatability (then u feed it to the dog).

But sometimes i imagine how my hostel life in dubai is gonna be...

Imagine my room... i mean my room with the charsi's... there wouldn't be a bed at all... we are going to replace all furniture with cartons and cartons of cigarettes. 3 inches of ash settled all over the place. Our study table (thats where Ahmer and anuja make out once they are bored of the beds... the word study is namesake) would be the only reminder of our actual job description (student)... fag filled nights (wait...what about the days??).. all of us broke...

let me just exemplify a typical day b/w me and my homz...

its a brand new week of schooling/colleging (whatever... we wouldn't know even then) and I am getting dressed... its 08:45... coll starts at 9:00 rashid, saad and ahmer are sleepin... wait... there is some one else in ahmer's bed...let us hope its anuja...

its 08:55, i am having my 11th cig since i woke up (damn im cutting down... broke i am forever)...

"should i wake these bastards up??" i wonder taking a deep puff .

I finally go against my spidey senses... (anyways the weed has disconnected my synapses) and wake em all up... they all get dressed within 5 mins... pop a pack of EXTRA's into their shitholes/mouth...and all of pile into someone's car (petrol is not a question... in my story cars are cheaper than cigs... and it runs on cigarette butts)

RASHID: Arrey Malbari, i dint take my books man... shud we go today ???
MeE : Listen Kaalia... u don't have books, i dont, no one does...maybe miti has ... we never did, so since when did u start forgetting man ??
Saad: Listen guys, college is important... but we have a reputation man... we cant go to college man...
Ahmer: Slurp smooch slurp
Anuja : slurp smooch slurp
Miti : FAAAAAAAAAAAAAART (she is gujju, normally gujju's do nothing but fart)

After about 15 mins of heated debate and 2 cigarettes later we all decide to go to college...

MeE : Be thankful to me bloody assholes for taking you guys to college... otherwise all of you bastards are gonna flunk a year or whatever they call it in college...
RASHID : Whatever Mishal... now we gotta go to college and the teacher must meet us for the first time in 6 months... man... this sucks man!!
Saad : _________________ (something in Urdu a Malbari never understands but nods his head neverthless...mostly lifted off from a JAL or Atif Aslam song.. and paraphrased to sound like his own... fuck man piracy sucks...)
Ahmer and Anuja : Slurp... mmmph...smoooch....
Miti : _____________ ( a silent fart)

Rashid starts driving (finally) nearly kills 31 labourers (3 more than prom night...yeaaahooooo!)... goes right through 3 roundabouts (he still cant get that you are supposed to go AROUND a roundabout)
and then a brainwave happens...

RASHID : Does anybody know the way to college ???
MeE and SAAD : (blank expressions)
Ahmer : Does anybody have a spare condom?

Sometimes in life u realize that somethings are not meant to be... especially going to college together... even of we enrol in college together, i am sure we never are going to end up there together...sometimes i feel God is actually been good to us by keepin us all apart... It's all written in the stars people...

MeE
JB signin off...

I'm Back... Where?

Memories sometimes behave in crazy ways…
when you are in a crowd they leave you alone,
when you are alone they stand along with you like a crowd

These words make a lot of sense to me.

Finally back in Dubai…for a few days, finally back to Dubai where even breathing is an exhilarating experience (according to Saad whose here after 6 months)…

I had come here with so many plans… majra… jabal al noor… long walks at the creek… all I have executed up to some degree… but the villain in my life is still is my sub conscious… not allowing me to enjoy myself completely… not allowing me to feel the pulse of the world around me…my sub conscious telling me why create new memories when it still hurts to think of the old ones?

The other day I went to the place along with my friends which me and my ex girlfriend used to call “OURS”… and just couldn’t talk for a while… frames of hours we (me and my gal or rather EX) spent there played like a movie… everything just flashed past my eyes…I took a mental note that I am never returning to that place ever again in my life… no matter how beautiful it is…or rather how beautiful it was… It hurts to even remember these days…

People are always people… always letting you down… keeping distance away from you… some people you thought were always by your side… now you realize that they were never by your side. Some you expected to be just a small tile in the mosaic of your memories end up always by your side…

This is when I think it is apt to say Life Screws us all.

Something about being back doesn’t seem right I feel at times… its like I am looking into a pond… but the water is not clear… I don’t see the bottom. Maybe it is just that I know I have to go back to where I don’t belong once again…back to the home…now I think I am contradicting myself…

They said life was a journey…a journey of happiness…but is this happiness? Anyways whose happiness did they mean…Mine…Or the people around me?

So many things feel incomplete…things I thought I wrapped up…feelings I thought I dealt with, they seem to be returning these days, striking me slow… killing me…or rather killing me softly (as the fugees once said).

No one should care for anybody ever I realize (slowly… again). Don’t ever give a fuck about anyone. Live for one’s bloody self. Because with caring comes hurt. With caring comes pain. One might say “with caring comes happiness/love…” but I think that all these words are synonyms…love/pain/happiness/grief…all mean the bloody same thing anyway. All end up wounding one’s soul. What is the use if all the roads lead to the same destination?

I’m alive once again…but every action has an equal and opposite reaction…

JB signin off...
MeE

The Swift incident

A packet of Wills Navy Cut in front of me... thinking of what to write about... nothing coming to my head... and I light another cigarette (for inspiration?) and continue typing...
Why cant i blog about anything these days ? Where is my ability?Why have i given up ?

And as i ask myself a question the answer pops up... for writing one needs a spark of thought... the spark for me comes from talking to people who matter the most to me...

Reminds me... Talked to Komit today hearing her voice is such a relief...
So many miles between us right now...physically that is...and i am scared that all this physical gap will lead to the real gap...
Just so scared at the thought...

Depression strikes the mind again for the millionth consecutive time...

This ship is sinking... lived on hope so far... depleting rapidly...

About the display... its just something i found online at google... searching for weird shit and i ended up with that nice cute signboard...

Its so shitty to know that your friends are scattered all over the world... and are going through if not the same, but similar experiences... the same non hungriness the same sense of loneliness...the weird empty feeling when you wake up every morning...

Just took a break of about 10 mins... and just whizzed thru everyone's blogs... Makdu,NJ,Miti... everyone is so bloody depressed with some keeping count of their slaps(MAKDU = 47) and some are drowning themselves in materialistic posessions and some just sit and sulk...some like me act like nothing is wrong throughout the day and just before sleep the foolproof plan crashes on them....


screw all the depression-isizing stuff...


Horrible week i had... Let me tell u a story that i call THE SWIFT INCIDENT

I Took out my uncle's brand new shiny red Maruti Swift for a drive (smuggling is an art and musnt be practised at home or anywhere else without proper guidance + Please get a bloody license) and was damn (i mean damn damn damn) careful in the process... and was sucessful at not scratching, wrecking or even crashing the car anywhere and to top it all did not get caught by the cops(money saved) till i reached back home.

Almost is the right word.

At this turning to my home lies a not so sinister looking electric post and while turning (the car is quite....err... a lot... bigger than an maruti 800 i was about to realize) the car kisses the post (it was violent )... and to my utter dismay the paint is chipped off... now the post has red on it....luckily the scratch was not that visible but then witness #1 (the neighbor) pops into the picture... shrieking violently about how kids are not careful nowadays...blah blah...

i park the car at home... no one is there luckily... me and my cousin go for a forensic test.. the point of contact on the pole and the scratch cum dent on the car dont match up....

"WTF??"

the sun sets and rises the next day (this happened in fast motion)...

Uncle is back from Coimbatore... first i heard a loud banshee like shriek and then "MISSSSSHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLL"... i woke up...(reaction "gulp")...

Uncle : Mishal come here fast.
MeE : errr... yes....

I walk to the car shed (this time in slow motion)...

U: Did u take out my car yest ?
MeE: Ummm... ummm (thinking deeply as though yest was 300000 years ago)... yea... i think ....
U : Where did you go ?
M: Umm nowhere... just drove around the compound....

Uncle looks lost in a train of thought...and then after a loooong time (and huge loss of sweat from my body) says -

U: OK... was just wondering who parked the car so haphazardously...

Close shave or what ?

The end

MeE

creative drought

Nothin much to write these days... totally bummed out by the creative drought...
So this wnderful idea clicks me that i am gonna start posting my journal entries onto my blog (editing out the ultra personal things..).

Now about my journal... the first one was called In My Head... I eventually misplaced it and have no idea how to find it... and o then my frnd Labi gifted me another journal typish book wih Shakespere's picture on it which i ended up calling In my Head 2(coz she was the sole person other than me who could read it... and then my cuz sis)...now since i ended up travellin a lot in idea... the part where i am studyin in india is called Quo Vadis (latin: Wheres't thou goes?)... the name being inspired from Bata and a book Ladies Coupe by Anita Nair...

SO here goes...

Date of entry : 14th June 2006
Time of entry : 2301 (IST)

A new beginning and hopefully an old ending....
First class at P.C.Thomas took place today.Not Exactly what one would call the cradle of luxury.

Rumbling of the passing train brings me back to the conversation I just had with Fatty.
Me, him , 5"... all of us have individually reached that point in life when we realize that nothing is important anymore...One of is fighting for his life every hour of the day and this makes me wonder whether anything was ever important ... my marks, my social life, my life... it makes me guilty to even lie down on this bed carefree, not thinking whether my body is screwing up ... can i hear my mom's voice tonight??

Ya Ilahi (oh! God) ,why do you test the purest amongst us?

Sometimes i wonder what if i was in fatty's place; both my kidneys failed...unable to eat, unable to drink... unable to live... a major part of every week spent in the dialysis center... injecting steroids into my body; would i have been fighting like him ?Wouldn't i have given up eons ago?

That boy.... who grew up into a man too fast... robbed of his prime...that very boy who i am damned bloody proud to call Friend is a fighter.A brave soldier through and through... fighting against all odds.I know he won't give up, his conscience won't accept defeat...

Suddenly i get the answer to the question that i asked God.....
God tests people like fatty because he knows they will make it to the other end.... to show the weaker majority how strong people can be in the wake of extreme adversitites/People like him are born fighters... a Candle in the wind.

but one can never be strong all the while... one can never be unaffected by something.He can see in the mirror that he is balding... he can see the puffiness of his face.... he can see that e has lost around 30 kgs.

But after all this he can still dream. Hats off to my man.I dream that one day i reach a million miles close to where you are friend.
Someday i am gonna be you, i will be able to plan our trip to kodaikanal when my kidneys are bust...

My tribute to you fatty ... keep fightin bro...

JB signin off...
MeE

Self imposed Exile...

Recenlty not posted... because of two main reasons and tons of underlying ones (non important like GETTING used to indian toilets)... yeah the main reasons...
1) blogging reminded me of all that i am missin at the moment... life for an example...
2)and the people who i blog for do not seem to be interested/are unable to access what i blog...

and now why i am bloggin??i realized that life can have multiple faces... and also that writing is my main passion so i just cant stop doing that because no one seems to be reading what i write...

2 months are over since i left all... dear and near...
2 months since i saw any of ur faces....

Yes! I miss you... i miss u all dearly... but ive accepted that it is not that hard to miss all of you guys and still live on...

Its really weird how people turn out to be when they are away from u... they promise the world when they are with you and tell you that whatever feelings they have for you at the moment... the same feelings are promised forever... may it be love... may it be friendship...
All i want to ask is that why people promise what they cannot for sure fulfill?

Why give a ray of hope to the hopeless?

If you cannot love me dont do that but dont tell me you will always do just because you do at the moment...

listenin to this new song by Atif Aslam - Tere bin... amazin song it is... the song is so relaxing and emotionally unleveling at the same time... weird paradox???

I really dont have much to write today... just a whirl of thoughts spinning insde my head... no aim no home... just there and always will be there...

At this moment i remember what saad once told me and keeps telling me...

dude... u may not have a life... ur life may be incomplete ... u can definetely stop living... but in no way can u stop existing for a single moment till the date of your non existence arrives...

It makes a lot of sense... maybe he says that to me just to make me happy for a moment... its a flaw of human concept that misery loves misery as company... but nevertheless it is totally true... not a bit wrong.

mixed up blog... yet to be published

Life going on... or rather Existence in progress.

JB

Mee signin off....

football !

Looks like i am currently suffering from bloggers block... unable to pen down any thoughts or ideas... looks like this well is drying up...

Currently suffering from FEVER, COLD and COUGH (read wheezing) and went to the doctor... and he was like okies... these are your meds for today tommorow and day after.Feeling ok now... missed 2 days of classes... lots to catch up on...

Got this message today...

You know what made Zizou headbutt Matterazzi ??
Matterazi
asked Zizou... "Hum chlormint kyon khate hain?"
hee hee... "Dobara mat
puchna" Zizou said

I wonder why would anyone whose playing their last match actually spoil all the years of discipline and all the hardwork by one act of insanity ?? What in his senses was he thinkin of ?? Did he actually think that he could get away with that ?

Screw that... thanks to his antics Brazil got the ultimate revenge and Italy wins gloriously (or not so gloriously)...

Totally unexpected outcome of events... Life is not revolving around a round object anymore for almost 5.9 billion ppl... the remaining 0.1 billion ppl are the ones who are totally crazy (from heart) about football...

Riquelme... Ronaldinho....Messy....Ronaldo...Zizou will remain just as memories...
No one is going to take their names for another 4 years... till 2010.... and again ppl in india are going to get back to game of sticks and bats...

No one is going to play football for a long time ....!


And this blog is a proof of how desperate i am to write anythin... and dont have anything to write about....

MeE

a new beginning

I'm new to blogger.com
my old blog was http://juxtaposedblog.spaces.msn.com

will update soon..

MeE